Sunday night. This night has sort of a paradoxical connotation tied to it for me. It goes back to, for lack of a better (read: trite) euphemism, my extremely crappy childhood.
Let me explain. I was, like many of you, a child of divorce. I lived with my mother, saw my father on weekends (when he remembered he had a daughter waiting for him to pick her up) and dealt with all of the guilt, sadness, and overall wistfulness of being the kid caught between parents that hated each other. It was, as I mentioned, extremely crappy. And Sundays were the worst because that was the day that my father would drop me back off at home, and I knew it could be the last time I ever saw him. I would make my way into the house where my mother would be waiting, and if I looked even the least bit sad, she would launch into attack mode. “Oh what’s the matter—had so much fun with your dad that coming home to your boring old mother is too depressing? Well sorry I have to work two jobs to support us since that fun-loving s.o.b. doesn’t bother to pay child support….” And on it would go until her energy was spent and I was completely demoralized. My saving grace was, ironically, the fact that my father didn’t see me every weekend, so the times when I was forgotten actually saved part of my soul. Paradox extraordinaire, oui?
This childhood memory, glum though it may be, completely shaped the person I am today. For better or worse. What did I learn? Well, for one, I learned that being yourself and feeling what you feel has consequences. It seems like a crazy lesson, right? But it is one that I draw on to this day. I spent so much time trying to hide who I was and how I felt as a kid, that I eventually lost sight of who that actually was. When I was little, the price seemed way too high, what with listening to my mother rant and rave and tell me how ungrateful I was, so I really felt that masking my true emotions was worth it. And into my teen years, I sort of just grew accustomed to doing that. It wasn’t until I was living on my own that the impact of that mindset became clear to me: Nobody knew me. Oh sure, people knew who I was-my name was out there. But nobody actually KNEW me. And it was really scary, and really lonely.
I wish I could say that once I had this epiphany, my life magically transformed and I became a mature, well-adjusted, productive member of society. But, since I would never lie to you guys, I can’t say that because that’s not what happened. It took time. A lot of time, with a lot of very painful repercussions resulting from my journey of enlightenment. But, now, here I am. A bit worse for the wear, but soul utterly intact and identity firmly entrenched in each decision I make. Was it worth it? Absofreakinglutely.
So, now it’s your turn.
What childhood memory thus far has shaped who you are? Do you want this memory to be the blueprint for which you design your “true Self?” If the answer is no, think about how you can change your perspective on it. What can you learn? If the answer is yes, talk about how you can impact the world and those in it who are most important to you. What lesson would you want to impart that has its root in this memory? I know this is hard; take your time. Nothing worth having is ever easy. And this answer is worth having. Trust me.
(450-500 words/85pts)
Sunday, February 22, 2009
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bunj, i wish this was real easy to say but it's probably the most difficult blog you could ever ask of me to write. i am the last thing from a liar and lying to my elders is against my morals, but hiding has always been my strength -- as shady as that may sound, it is the truth. the one childhood memory that has shaped me into who i am is basically, the childhood i never had. i mean at one point, definitely when i was super duper young.. when my mind was stuck in hello kitty world, the beach, barbie dolls and skateboarding. innocence at its prime. but no matter what age i was, i was always conflicted between two worlds, and then three and now four. it's crazy when i wake up from my bed each morning and i speak the same native tongue, eat the exotic foreign food and listen to some whack music, i feel almost fake. but not really because this is how i was raised. as soon as i step outside the door every morning to go to school -- i must change. replacing rice with pizza and changing languages...the whole nine yards, for real. i would never say i hate my elders regardless of how much i possibly disagree with them while i go to the grocery store and listen to the teenage voices repeating the same phrases such as "I HATE YOU STUPID B**** I HOPE YOU DIE!" and it's almost more than frequent that i hear that kind of stuff. third world is work/school. and fourth is personal. i make the strongest attempts to keep each worlds away from each other but it just doesn't seem to work that way sometimes. i still stay polite even to those i dislike, unless they're my age or younger -- then i'm a spiteful raging blunt jerk. i come up with pretty crazycool ideas though, not the regular gossip lying crap that just doesn't seem to get anywhere in the end. personal family affairs, relationship failures, and hurtful affliction has taught me to be so open-minded though that i think i could possibly be insane, sometimes. remember those letters in 8th grade teachers make you write to yourself five or ten years ago? well, five or ten years ago i didn't expect myself to be who i am today. five or ten years ago, i didn't even know what the definition of virginity was, seriously. i was a straight A student with such high hopes but when i turned fourteen, it all crashed. within a year it felt like everything burned. you think my occasional papers are pretty intense? i figure though that if one lived in every person's shoes that they've ever met, the world would be a lot more of an understanding place. the word "misinterpretation" would not even exist. fights would probably never break out and the world would be a perfect happy place. why? because everyone in the world would be more receptive. but back to answering your questions -- who i've been for the past three years isn't who i want to become for the rest of my life. how i've been this year is exactly who i'd like to grow up to be. to inflict pain upon myself and treating others the way i once did for things i should've realized was not my fault a long time ago and that society is just effed up... i have never regretted a single thing i've done in life because i know i can always be a better person the next minute if i learn from the mistake but if i could only take back just one day, i would be a completely different person and perceive the world differently, if i could just take one day back. but i'm going to be nineteen in two weeks and who i am now is who i definitely want to be, for sure.
my childhood wasn't the best but i can't say that i hate it. i was just a normal child maybe not i didn't like hanging with the girls i wanted to play football with the guys. i always can remeber that i was getting into to trouble all the time but nothing to serious until i pretty much got to my teenage life. i hanged with the wrong crowd mainly just one his name was john me and him used to be best friends growing up and we would do anything together. me and him tried everything together and yes i mean everything including drugs it started off as a little game that we would drink on the weekends then it lead to smokeing a little weed. but me and john were having a lot a fun so the little didn't stay very long because i can remeber smoking so much weed and dealing it to other people. My name starting to go around and i thought i liked the attention until the game started to get boring so me and john upgraded in the wrong way. i wish i could say that my friend lead me back down the righteuos path but no he took me on a dangerous ride down crack alley. john was the reason why i seen my first crack pipe and the first reason why i began smoking crack. i thought it was nothing different because if you know drug and people who do the, the first thing they tell you is that you need to control the drugs not them controlling you. well i could controll the weed and alcohol but crack was different its serious big ball game and istarted playing it hard core. at first i thought it wasn't serios until me and john changed completely. i wasn't ashley anymore i didn't know who i was i was losing all my friends even my other best friends kelsey because the drugs were so strong that i didn't care about anything or anyone except wheres my next hit. crack is mean and ugly and i changed with it, i was argueing with my family everyday, it evovled to me fighting my mother, and even worse stealing from them and it wasn't little either in price and all i did this for was john and crack because he was doing it for me and hiim. i smoked crack for 6 months straight every single day. i finally began realizing what my friend kelsey meant when she told me that she didn't know me because i can remeber looking into the mirror and i coouldn't recoginize myself anymore. after that day i began hating myself and my actions that i was doing for my suppose to be good friend. i won't lie i tried commiting suicide becasue i hated falling back into crack because i did try to quit and it was harder then i thought so everytime i fell back in and the bag was finished i was thinking all these horrible thoughts and i deffently tried everyway possible to die but my angel kelsey was there to save me. thanks kelsey..................... finally i woke up one day and i grabbed the phone and i called the cops on myself. they arrested me in front of my family and john, and i can say that the first time i woke up and i wasn't angry for once i was glad. they took me to the hospital they checked me out and they took me to jail. i sat there for a day and overnight until my parents bailed me out. when i got out i was informed that i have difas, n/a meeting, pycology, and drug testings. when i got back home after hearing this i was scared but it need to happen. i seen john that day and he was cracked out of his mind and all he could say is do you want a hit and at first a said yeah but when he handed me the pipei slammed it down on the ground and told him that we are down with this. he laughed. me and john stopped hanging around more because i was serious. i finshed all my meeting in everything and i can finally say that i am not a crack head. i have been cleaned for 1 and 1/2 years now. and i am the happiest i could be. if you want to know what happen to john ms. bunje i tried my best to save him but sadley i can talk to him no more because he won't change he is still a crackhead and the worse i quess is that i don't care anymore. he derseves to be like that because recently he got caught with pot and crack and he has court coming upo soon supposly but i am glad for it maybe when he goes to jail he will learn what i learned about myself to get himself clean. i love not being a crackhead mrs. bunje and if i can help anyone to get off it then that the most proudest thing i can do and just to let you now i did. i can deffently say that this memory will stay in the past but i deffently know it changed me for the best. and me and my family are close and a happy family now bunje.
P.S. noone do crack it deadly trust me i kno
Throughout my life I have been burdened with many misfortunes, the most recent to which you are aware of. My childhood was a confusing one. I can’t say I had a specific memory where I believe made me who I am. When I was younger, I lived with my mother, sister, two brothers, and father in an apartment in Galloway. That lasted about three years of my life until we moved, without my dad, in with my grandparents in North Jersey. I say my childhood was confusing because I was too young to understand heartbreaking pain. I never missed my dad, though it’s sad to say. To be honest I can’t even remember him in my childhood at all except for his dump joke where he would say, “pull my finger”, and then let out some gas. Gross was to play with your kid. My mom and I always had a good relationship. The summer after kindergarten we moved to Mays Landing with my dad, the place where I was to develop my life. I’m not sure if my mom was always like this, because I didn’t know any better when I was young, or developed into a crazy person because we moved back with my dad. It’s extremely sad because every memory of my mom I have that was without my dad she’s so happy with an uplifted spirit. But unfortunately, when I picture my younger years of them together I get a headache from yells and shouts, all towards negativity.
My life was filled with unrealistic events to which one would never think to actually happen to someone, though I believe that has shaped me. My environment showed me what I didn’t want to become, and what I wouldn’t mind being, but I was the one who had to believe that my life could be more.
I don’t want my memories to act as blueprints, for, truth be told, some are too vivid to ever want to think about again. But I know that I will never allow my past to interfere in my capabilities and my future. My perspective can not change, for the past can not change. I understand that nobodies perfect and that everyone, in one event or another, didn’t have a perfect childhood.
When it was bad, I was confused; for I was too young to understand what was actually going on. I was gullible thinking that my loved ones would never lie to me. Growing up I learned that they did to keep me from being upset. Life works in mysterious ways, and with my past I will conduct my future. I will never allow the same things again, for now, because I am older, I have the power to stop it, or walk away.
Well, Bunje, I’d have to say that I don’t have one specific childhood memory that has shaped my life. However, the way my parents treated me as I grew up definitely shaped me into the person i am today. I’ve lived in the same house with both of my parents, and brother ever since I was born. My parents always loved, provided me with everything I ever needed. They did however; make sure not to spoil me, whether it is out of love, or whatever. They’ve always made me work towards rewards, which I’m very thankful for. I’m honestly a little afraid that too many kids in my generation are spoiled rotten. I wasn’t that kid who got the best of the best of whatever I had asked for (say, like on Christmas, and birthdays), and I certainly wasn’t the kid who got the newest, shiniest, most expensive car for my 17th birthday, or in reward for obtaining my license (which is no big feat). I’m afraid that when these kids mature, they will not being willing to work hard for their rewards. Or even worse, they might expect their parents to carry them through life. Many kids think it is their parents DUTY to buy them a car, pay for college, get you the freshest clothes, etc. In reality, they don’t have to give you anything besides absolute necessities. My parents have helped me by making me work to achieve my goals, and learn a very valuable moral that I find inspiring, and realistic. “You get out, what you put in”. I’ve worked very hard to obtain the things I want. I try not to ask my parents for much, because it feels good to be successful on my own. I’m sure it’s rewarding to my parents to see me grow into a responsible young man, as well as to save their cash, haha. My parents haven’t neglected me either, they have always assured their love for me, by coming through when I’m in absolute desperation, or need of help. As long as I was a good functional person in society, they would let me live at their house til I was fifty. ahaha. I can’t believe they still would help me after all the stress I have put them through. The way they have handled parenting has made me grow to respect things/people a lot more. It also makes me very grateful for all the help they have given me. I truly believe that my parents have made me a good person, and without them, I don’t know where I’d be.
Fourteen years ago my mom married my step dad and as far as I'm concerned that day my whole life changed. Of course at the time I was 3 years old but now that I look back on it, that was the day my whole world began to go in a downward spiral. As far as I can remember my older sister and I always had to fight for my mom's love and attention. It was always me and her against my step dad. Whenever we needed my mom and he was talking to her or watching TV. with her we weren't allowed to. When she wasn't home and we wanted to call her to talk to her we couldn't because the phone was "only for business". My sister and I always relied on each other for support and comfort until my step dad found a problem with that too. He always tried to turn my sister and me against each other so we wouldn't be a team against him. So then instead of relying on each other for love and support we had to learn to only depend on ourselves. Now fourteen years later and fourteen years wiser I can honestly say that I'm an independent person and I think I do a dam good job at it too. All those years I had no one to turn to, no one to rely on, no one to be there when I needed them but it only made me stronger in the end. Yes, I still live with my mom and my step dad but my sister moved out because of my step dad 2 years ago. Now my parents have a fear that when I turn 18 I'm going to leave to so they're trying to undo all their crazy parentingness (yeah sorry bunj I know that's not a word but I'm on a roll and it sounded good lol :] ) but of course only to the best of their ability because they still are crazy. But now that I think of it I don't need them to be sorry for the crappy childhood I had because I have become a better person from it. I take care of myself and I know that I am the only person that I need to succeed in life.
I do want this to be the blueprint for defining my true self because there is nothing wrong with being independent. Everything I do in life fine with me as long as I can make myself happy. I know that I won't turn my back on myself because even parents can turn their backs on their children. I won't have to worry about being hurt when I'm all by myself because I depend on everyone and everything around me to take care of me. I would want to let others know that when no one else is there to lend a shoulder for you to cry on, God has given us 2 and those are the only shoulders we need. Being independent and self reliant is a great lesson to gain in my opinion.
Bunje! This is touchy for me to write about because well, I have told you some of the things I deal with. One memory of my childhood I remember was the “potty mouths” I grew up around. My dad drank like a crazy guy and said the f word or any other “bad” word almost every other word. My mom just yelled at me and caused me misery. As I grew up my young years and into my teens that’s all I ever heard and lived around. It was eff this eff that and from there my “potty mouth” was created. Ok this was a little short, but I’ll explain more. All I saw in the morning was a hung over father. I would awake to him yelling at my mom about something stupid and I always could tell he had no clue what he was saying. Than when I would come home from school, always alone, I had to cook and clean everything and basically learn how to take care of myself, without the teacher. Around 6:30 my mom would get home flipping out about business and how my sister and I are rotten kids. This was one pace I heard never ending cuss words. They were stuck in my head. I always thought if she can say them why can’t I? Later around 11 PM my father would come home causing a racket and waking me up. Well ok Bunje you get the point. This was my childhood memory that sticks and I don’t think I’ll ever forget. Sadly this did shape me. I spent a lot of my years with a “bad” mouth and now it feels almost impossible to get rid of my mouth. Having this problem made me hate my parents when I realized that is where it came from. So I spent so many years trying to get rid of this nasty mouth I developed and to this day I still can’t stop. I have gotten better, but still not good. I do not want this memory to create my “true self”. If it did I wouldn’t expect to have anything except maybe 5 people who understand this is a burden to my life I can’t erase. I don’t think there is really a way to change my view on this memory. It sucks and sometimes I cry about it just from the memory of it. From it I can definitely learn a few things. When I have kids in the future I know I want to have my mouth clean of cuss words so I don’t do the same things to my kids. I would feel like a piece of crap and also whoever I live with won’t be causing a racket and causing misery in my kids lives because I experienced that and it sucked. Obviously if there is punishment than there is punishment, but causing misery for no reason like my parents still do to me today will be erased from my life once I am free.
Well now that I come to think of it, I don’t think there was one specific memory that has shaped me into the person I am today. I can say though there was a time period in my childhood years that changed my view on life and on people. I wasn’t very young, I was only in the 7th grade. My mom moms, her husband, and her grandson needed a place to stay for a few months and considering we had extra rooms in our house, my mom gave them the option of moving in with us. It was the biggest mistake ever. The first month was okay, everyone got along, things ran smoothly, you know we all thought things were going to run smoothly. Until I began to notice a different side of my moms mom and her grandson, which was supposed to be my cousin. I began to notice little things like how he back talked to my moms mom, he would take thing and never put them back, and since he was older than my brother, my sister, and me, thought he could control us. But since we were naïve at the time, all we knew was that we had to be good or we would be hearing my dad mouth. Well the case was one day I m sitting on the couch and my sister ran to me and told me the worst news I could ever hear in my life. He had gone overboard. When I confronted him with what I heard he just said go ahead and tell no one would believe you. Those words sent a burning feeling through my body. And suddenly there I realized something, no matter how much wanted to admit it he was right. I began to look over the few months he had been there, he had everyone fooled. Everyone thought he was the all round loving kid, that never did anything wrong. And that was far from the truth. And I was the only one that saw that. And I felt myself falling into his little game but when I realized what he was doing I knew I had a chance to save my self. And my brother and sister? They were right along with him and the rest of my family, even my mom and dad. So that meant I was all alone. That feeling hit me like a tornado, I didn’t know what to do, who to turn to, because if I told anyone what I knew about him, I would be the wrong one, I would be the I one yelled at for making up such lies, and I couldn’t afford to go through that. And even when I told my best friend what he was doing behind everyone’s back, she just told me to relax and that it was all in my head. At that point I realized I couldn’t trust anyone but myself, not even family. At that point I made the choice of flying solo. And what hurt me the most was that after I had confronted him, everything spun out of control even more, he managed to get everyone against me, everything I did was wrong, everything I didn’t do was wrong. And at the age of like 11 or 12 hearing those words just cut me like a knife. No matter what I did to get some type of attention or even be somewhat happy he would just find some way to take it away . Until came the one day I told him I hated him with all my heart. My moms mom didn’t like it all. She always wanted all her grandchildren to get along, but that wasn’t happening. He ruined that year for me and I wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t. She decided to move after that, and then soon after that he got a girl pregnant and was about to be a father, and then two years later his mother died and now he’s barely able to keep up his grades in school and cant even manage a decent job.. The only thing I felt bad for was for his mother but even with that I didn’t show him any sympathy. That whole experience just taught me that in time people will have to face the music, just have to be patient. It also taught me not to depend on anyone because the ones you think are the closest are probably not even who you think they are. And it also taught me that its not okay to hold things in, its better to let them out, but at the appropriate time, in all it taught that its better to say what you need to say than to say nothing at all.
When i look back at my childhood i don't really see and event or instance just blurr. Most of it is a blurr, somethings i remember vaigly and other things i just plainly blacked out of my mind. So how about i tell you about my childhood as a whole to the best of my abitlity. I grew up as the only daughter with two brothers in a home where my stay at home mother didn't speak english and my father was hardly ever home because he was working and even when he was home i would wish he wasn't because because he was an angry drunk.
I remember the fights my drunk father would start and the cops would end, i remember not having the best things growing up. My dad was a security gaurd in showboat. We lived check to check. I remember wearing my brothers hand me downs and not being able to complain because it was all there was. I remember feeling alone because my parents where never the ones to play and girls shouldn't play with boys for too long just because. Fun time was always cut short for me. My parents where strict latino's and not to mentioned my father was a retired Sargent Major God forgive if i fell out of line he would be the one to straighten me up. My Dad wasn't always a bad guy just when he was drunk and when he was sober he wasn't so bad actually he was really fun to be around and when he wasn't drunk my mom was also more playful those are the times i cherish. There came a day where my Dad quit drinking, because of a stroke he had , but he also had to quit his job. Things were tight but we got through it even though neither one of my parents were working we were able to live off of my Dads pention. He then became the insightful wise calm and collective Dad i can respect today. The Dad i always knew was there being covered with a vail threaded with liqour.
Even though my childhood wasn't the best i realize that it could have been worse and for that reason i strive for better. I see how my brother is now taking his past and getting his revenge in his present doing wrong because his childhood wasn"t right,but as for me I dont want my True self to be linked to the negative. It has helped me see that things are what they are no more no less, and i realize the past is history the future is a mystery and now is a gift thats why they callit present, And i like gifts lol.
i dont talk about my childhood.
well, its funny to say that we have the same kind of story. My mom and dad separated when i wus about three years old. so its ashame that i cant say that i wus raised with both of my parents in the same household. i cant say that i felt neglected, because i seen my father every weekend. But it wus hard to accept that my parents couldnt get back together. MY dad wus the one who gave the discipline. My mom never put up with my crap. when ever i did something wrong she wouldnt even bother to try to beat me. she would jus make one phone call, and he would arrive. Maybe thats why i wus so nervous every time he wus suddenly pop up at my door. I wus so used to getting beatings or jus getting punished by him, it wus hard for me to be relaxed. Dont get me wrong i loved being with my dad, he always knew how to make me laugh and show me a good time. He just knew how to handle his child. my mom also knew how to handle me, just in a different way. She would just put me on punishment- you know, take away all the fun things i could possibly do, banned me from going outside. Sometimes i wusnt eeven allowed to leave my room.
Life wus going pretty good when my dad wus around. O yeah i forgot to say that, the weekends wusnt the only time i got to see my dad, it wus just the only time i got to spend with my dad alone. He always came to my house to check up on me, or give my mom money for food or my personal needs or wants ( such as clothes games or toys). But everything began to change when my dad moved to florida to finishe college.
I wus seven going on eight when he left. Thats when all hell, began to brake loose. I felt as though i wus able to do whatever i want. My mom didnt have anyone to discipline me like my dad did. If it wusnt physical, then it just wusnt enough to calm me down.
But as time flew pass i began to see all the headace and heartaces my older brother wus putting my mom through, and i slowly but surely started to realize that she had enough on her sholders. She didnt need me to be another stress.
So in between the year before the summer came (thats when i would visit my dad)i would be the strong respectfull young man she needed me to be. Unlike my older brother, i wus trying to become something in life. I mean it took a while, it wus hard as he** without a father figure in my life, but i believe that made me stronger, and it made me who i am today. Till this day im still taking care of my mother. With the little bit of money i get from my job, ill send my mom fifty or a hundred dollars here and there. I always make sure my mom is taken care of. So i guess that i would tell the world, and everyone i care about, just because you dont have someone in your life to lead you to success or become a better person doesnt mean that reaching success or becoming a better person isnt possible.
oyeah i hit "publish your comment" before i could revise my blog. So there maybe a couple of mistakes.lol sorry
As for me I am too, a child of divorce. The only difference was I lived with my father and I saw my mother on weekends. As a child I always looked forward spending time with my mother on the weekends because I always had a blast. My father remarried in the spring of 98' or 99', when I was only about 6 or 7, but it was ok I guess because I still got to see my mother and I wasn't home 7 days a week. It wasn't until I was blindsighted by my mother leaving me. I was only 8 years old at the time, and it was any ordinary day when she left. I never got to see my mother before she left, considering the fact she was in jail, and in jail another time before that. I remember talking to her on the phone telling me she was in jail and i was crying a river of tears. After my mother left it was about two months later I recieved a random phone call that came from Wild Wood, it was my mother. She told me about how she was getting rermarried to some guy named Gregg and that she loved me, and that was the last thing she ever said to me. Since that day I haven't heard or seen my mother since that phone call. It ahs been almost 10 years since she has been gone and over these 10 years I have lived with my fillipino step mother and her daughter, ym father, my brother and sister for half of those 10 years, and now my nece of 6 years. I have never got along with my step mother and never will. She has never been any type of mother to me. so, I have neen growing up without a mother and basically a father, comnsidering he is always at work or spending his free time with that BEEP* of a wife, for the past 10 years. All womanly problems or any propblem in general I had to deal and solve all by myself, sometimes I would ask my step sister. Through the years I rrarely had any guidance to the right direction. When I reached my teen years, 13 years old specifically, I met my two best friends, that are currently not my best friends anymore, but I still talk to one of them. Anyway, when I was 13 I began to smoke weed, everyday getting high for 3 and a half years, literallly. I just quit drugs march of last year, but my journey only came to an end because of what I experienced with these two friends. Both of them starting smoking crack, and they got into it deep. Over thousands of dollars,literally in one summer from everyday smoking crack. I went with them everywhere to buy the crack, i was there when they smoked it and cooked it, so now I know how to cook it. This whole ordeal was so bad I couldnt take it anymore, eventhough they tried to tempt into smoking crack I never did, but that wasn't weighing down on me. it was the fact that I was watching my friends deteriorate in front of my eyes. I even stopped my friend from suicidal attempts, i don't know how many time. It was until then I freed myself from all this BULL****, by getting caught smoking weed by my father. That day i was aved from a world of hurt. I stopped talking to both of those friends, but when i came back to school I talk to only one of them, I could care less where the other one is, considering he still isnt clean and all the mental hell he put me through. After my drug episodes, since I was home more often, things between my step mother and I has HEATED up more than ever. It is now to the point i want to kill her, well just beat her severely. I'm now waiting for the day she puts her hands on me and I'm on that woman like flies on shit. I even told my father i'm scared of what I might do to her so you must keep her away from me. I even wen to counseling to help my anger that I have for her and it helped a little, but now the anger is back. I fought with her the other night, and the fight was bad I must say, I called my father up and told him he needs to find me somewhere else to live in the next month or two because I can't live in this house anymore. I told him my brother and sister both moved out when they were 17 and I am too, and that she is not coming to my graduation to watch me walk she is not invited, considering I am the only child in the family that will ever graduate. Things, I doubt will ever change between us, and thats ok, because she has made me what and who I am today,as well as my father and my mother. If they didn't do the things they did and treated the way they did you would see a whole different KELSO sitting before you in that classroom and I wouldn't be that unique, random, crazy, uncontollable person that I am today.And it's too bad that some of you don't get to see that side of me cause boy am I hand full and funny as hell. I just know I am that SPECAIL AND THERE IS NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON IN THIS UNIVERSE LIKE ME...OH YEAH!!!!
As for me I am too, a child of divorce. The only difference was I lived with my father and I saw my mother on weekends. As a child I always looked forward spending time with my mother on the weekends because I always had a blast. My father remarried in the spring of 98' or 99', when I was only about 6 or 7, but it was ok I guess because I still got to see my mother and I wasn't home 7 days a week. It wasn't until I was blindsighted by my mother leaving me. I was only 8 years old at the time, and it was any ordinary day when she left. I never got to see my mother before she left, considering the fact she was in jail, and in jail another time before that. I remember talking to her on the phone telling me she was in jail and i was crying a river of tears. After my mother left it was about two months later I recieved a random phone call that came from Wild Wood, it was my mother. She told me about how she was getting rermarried to some guy named Gregg and that she loved me, and that was the last thing she ever said to me. Since that day I haven't heard or seen my mother since that phone call. It ahs been almost 10 years since she has been gone and over these 10 years I have lived with my fillipino step mother and her daughter, ym father, my brother and sister for half of those 10 years, and now my nece of 6 years. I have never got along with my step mother and never will. She has never been any type of mother to me. so, I have neen growing up without a mother and basically a father, comnsidering he is always at work or spending his free time with that BEEP* of a wife, for the past 10 years. All womanly problems or any propblem in general I had to deal and solve all by myself, sometimes I would ask my step sister. Through the years I rrarely had any guidance to the right direction. When I reached my teen years, 13 years old specifically, I met my two best friends, that are currently not my best friends anymore, but I still talk to one of them. Anyway, when I was 13 I began to smoke weed, everyday getting high for 3 and a half years, literallly. I just quit drugs march of last year, but my journey only came to an end because of what I experienced with these two friends. Both of them starting smoking crack, and they got into it deep. Over thousands of dollars,literally in one summer from everyday smoking crack. I went with them everywhere to buy the crack, i was there when they smoked it and cooked it, so now I know how to cook it. This whole ordeal was so bad I couldnt take it anymore, eventhough they tried to tempt into smoking crack I never did, but that wasn't weighing down on me. it was the fact that I was watching my friends deteriorate in front of my eyes. I even stopped my friend from suicidal attempts, i don't know how many time. It was until then I freed myself from all this BULL****, by getting caught smoking weed by my father. That day i was aved from a world of hurt. I stopped talking to both of those friends, but when i came back to school I talk to only one of them, I could care less where the other one is, considering he still isnt clean and all the mental hell he put me through. After my drug episodes, since I was home more often, things between my step mother and I has HEATED up more than ever. It is now to the point i want to kill her, well just beat her severely. I'm now waiting for the day she puts her hands on me and I'm on that woman like flies on shit. I even told my father i'm scared of what I might do to her so you must keep her away from me. I even wen to counseling to help my anger that I have for her and it helped a little, but now the anger is back. I fought with her the other night, and the fight was bad I must say, I called my father up and told him he needs to find me somewhere else to live in the next month or two because I can't live in this house anymore. I told him my brother and sister both moved out when they were 17 and I am too, and that she is not coming to my graduation to watch me walk she is not invited, considering I am the only child in the family that will ever graduate. Things, I doubt will ever change between us, and thats ok, because she has made me what and who I am today,as well as my father and my mother. If they didn't do the things they did and treated the way they did you would see a whole different KELSO sitting before you in that classroom and I wouldn't be that unique, random, crazy, uncontollable person that I am today.And it's too bad that some of you don't get to see that side of me cause boy am I hand full and funny as hell. I just know I am that SPECAIL AND THERE IS NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON IN THIS UNIVERSE LIKE ME...OH YEAH!!!!
As for me I am too, a child of divorce. The only difference was I lived with my father and I saw my mother on weekends. As a child I always looked forward spending time with my mother on the weekends because I always had a blast. My father remarried in the spring of 98' or 99', when I was only about 6 or 7, but it was ok I guess because I still got to see my mother and I wasn't home 7 days a week. It wasn't until I was blindsighted by my mother leaving me. I was only 8 years old at the time, and it was any ordinary day when she left. I never got to see my mother before she left, considering the fact she was in jail, and in jail another time before that. I remember talking to her on the phone telling me she was in jail and i was crying a river of tears. After my mother left it was about two months later I recieved a random phone call that came from Wild Wood, it was my mother. She told me about how she was getting rermarried to some guy named Gregg and that she loved me, and that was the last thing she ever said to me. Since that day I haven't heard or seen my mother since that phone call. It ahs been almost 10 years since she has been gone and over these 10 years I have lived with my fillipino step mother and her daughter, ym father, my brother and sister for half of those 10 years, and now my nece of 6 years. I have never got along with my step mother and never will. She has never been any type of mother to me. so, I have neen growing up without a mother and basically a father, comnsidering he is always at work or spending his free time with that BEEP* of a wife, for the past 10 years. All womanly problems or any propblem in general I had to deal and solve all by myself, sometimes I would ask my step sister. Through the years I rrarely had any guidance to the right direction. When I reached my teen years, 13 years old specifically, I met my two best friends, that are currently not my best friends anymore, but I still talk to one of them. Anyway, when I was 13 I began to smoke weed, everyday getting high for 3 and a half years, literallly. I just quit drugs march of last year, but my journey only came to an end because of what I experienced with these two friends. Both of them starting smoking crack, and they got into it deep. Over thousands of dollars,literally in one summer from everyday smoking crack. I went with them everywhere to buy the crack, i was there when they smoked it and cooked it, so now I know how to cook it. This whole ordeal was so bad I couldnt take it anymore, eventhough they tried to tempt into smoking crack I never did, but that wasn't weighing down on me. it was the fact that I was watching my friends deteriorate in front of my eyes. I even stopped my friend from suicidal attempts, i don't know how many time. It was until then I freed myself from all this BULL****, by getting caught smoking weed by my father. That day i was aved from a world of hurt. I stopped talking to both of those friends, but when i came back to school I talk to only one of them, I could care less where the other one is, considering he still isnt clean and all the mental hell he put me through. After my drug episodes, since I was home more often, things between my step mother and I has HEATED up more than ever. It is now to the point i want to kill her, well just beat her severely. I'm now waiting for the day she puts her hands on me and I'm on that woman like flies on shit. I even told my father i'm scared of what I might do to her so you must keep her away from me. I even wen to counseling to help my anger that I have for her and it helped a little, but now the anger is back. I fought with her the other night, and the fight was bad I must say, I called my father up and told him he needs to find me somewhere else to live in the next month or two because I can't live in this house anymore. I told him my brother and sister both moved out when they were 17 and I am too, and that she is not coming to my graduation to watch me walk she is not invited, considering I am the only child in the family that will ever graduate. Things, I doubt will ever change between us, and thats ok, because she has made me what and who I am today,as well as my father and my mother. If they didn't do the things they did and treated the way they did you would see a whole different KELSO sitting before you in that classroom and I wouldn't be that unique, random, crazy, uncontollable person that I am today.And it's too bad that some of you don't get to see that side of me cause boy am I hand full and funny as hell. I just know I am that SPECAIL AND THERE IS NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON IN THIS UNIVERSE LIKE ME...OH YEAH!!!!
One childhood memory that has shaped me today was the memory of my half sister when she was a teenager living with us. You see my dad came from El Salvador and when he was there he had a girlfriend and one thing lead to another and you get my half sister. Before my dad came to this country he broke up with his girlfriend and came to America to have a new life. He became a citizen, marred my mom, and had my sister and me. His life was going good and thought that bring my half sister over will help her life and help them connect. At first when she came over here she was fine then she started to slip up in school and being aggressive with my dad. One day she and my dad had a fight and she ran away she was eighteen at the time so she could live on her own. She got into the wrong crowd and started to do drugs, got pregnant, and had some boyfriend trouble. My dad tried to help her, but she always wanted to blame him so my dad just gave up. That was the last I heard of her until around tenth grade. You know what happened to my half sister she was a bum on the streets going crazy and always begging for money for drugs. She never speaks to her children anymore. Now my dad thinks it’s his fault because if he left her back in his country she could have at least stayed sane and had a better life. Now that I’m seventeen and have seen the way she acted and what she has become I take that personal. I know longer want her to be reality to me in anyway and I never want to see her again. She has ruined my dad all because she wanted to get high and be on her own. Today I actually think about my future unlike my half sister did and I help my sister go on the right path because I don’t want my sister to have a life with no pain and emptiness. I try to do my best in school so my dad will not have to think about my half sister and even though I have friend that may do drugs or drink I will never be like them because I’m afraid of becoming my half sister. Finally I try to be a good role model for my sister so she can have a better life. Even though I hate my half sister she was a good role model for doing everything opposite of what she has done. She has shown me that I can be a better person and that I am the one that chooses the path that I want to go down.
I have several childhood memories that have shaped who I am, but if I must pick one it would have to be when my brother became a firefighter. I choose this memory because it affects me right now. I always used to say that I was never going to fallow in my brothers foot steps and become a firefighter, but look at me now. It helped shape who I am because to be a firefighter you need dedication, skill, hard work, curage and bravery along with several other asspects. I'm learning how to keep calm in stressful situations through fire school and other skills and technecs that may very well save my life but someone elses life one day. I can impact the world and those in it who are most important to me by being one more firefighter to help extinguish fires and save lives. Using the knowledge I gaine from being a firefighter means that if I'm ever trapped in a situation with other people I can use my training and my knowledge to get out safly and every one else as well. The lession I would want to impart that has its root in this memory is to always do your best and never give up and never let anyone say you can't do it.
My story somewhat relates to Bunje’s story because I too am a child of a divorced but mine is a touch different. From what I can remember my parents got divorced when I was around the age of four so I don’t really have too many memories of when they were together. While most divorced parents hate each other and never wish to talk to the other person my parents are the total opposite and I am very great full for that. I’m sure at first they were not the best of friends but they quickly realized that they could not let their relationship affect my younger sister and I. While they certainly don’t enjoy talking to one another they do what they have to for their kids which took me a while to realize. I’ve never had to deal wit listening to my parents fight over when one parent or the other would have us for the night it was always up to us where we wanted to go even though we primarily lived with out mom. I can’t imagine how different my childhood would have been if my parents hated one another. I loved having both of my parents present at anything evolving me. While they have gone through their stages now of not talking to one another they always seems to work it out for us. Now that I am older I can really be thankful for the way they went about their divorce because it was not my sisters or my own fault that they went their separate ways. I have learned that when and if I get married and have kids and if things don’t happen to work out I will follow in my parents foot steps because my children would have had nothing to do with my decision and should not be affected by it.
This is a little difficult for me to write about since I don't call my childhood a good one. When I was little, my dad always made promises he wouldn't keep. He would say that he would take me and brother somewhere and three hours before we were going to leave, he would go over his friend's house, come home and said he was too tired to go out. Plenty of times my dad would forget about me, and I felt like my mom didn't like me. So I would stick to myself a lot. I would depend on noone but myself because I felt like there wasn't anyone there for me to talk to and confide in. From experiencing this over the years, it led me to become VERY independent. I trusted no one. I'm not sure if this is the best thing, but it works for me. It keeps me focused on myself and makes me be independent. My parents know that I can take care of myself and that's why now that I'm about to graduate, they try to be nicer to me. I guess they think once I leave, I will rarely come back to visit them, which in a way is true. No, I don't want this memory to be the blueprint in which i design my true self. I think that I have to learn to trust people better. By doing this, it would help break down the walls that I have put up around me over the years. The lesson that I would impart would be to learn to not be dependent on anyone. This way, you wouldn't be let down, and it would also give you more confidence in yourself to learn to stand on your own two feet.
everyone has their own story whther its good r bad, and as for me mine is not good or bad, its something no one could ever conceeve eve if they tried. I can only remember my childhood from the age of five and up. As long as i've known my "mother", there was not much to know besides drugs,lies,postitution,kies,cheating,lies,alot of abandoning, and some more lies. As long as i've known LAURIE the only thing i could count on her for was for letting me down she always came through with that. When I was born my parents tried to make it work, but it just was not meant to be. My dad was a hrad worker sure he drank a little, or maybe just a little too much, but he never hurt me or lied to me. AND ONE TING HE ESPECIALLY didn't do was abandon me. Laurie would show up at my house uninvited high on drugs, not just weed, i'm talking heroin, crack, things like that. Then she would disappear again for quite sometime until she felt like it was time to show up for her "kids". Whenever she did come around it seemed she was only there 4 hours and she already needed to leave for another drug fix. My favorite memory is when she sent to Jamaicans to my house to stab my father in the middle of the night, right in his leg. If you can't tell she was a great woman. She stole my dad's care and drove it right through and old womans living room, stole my christmas presents and sold them for drug money, held my borther hostage so my dad would give her money, put her electric bill in my three year old brothers name, so let me just say i'm not so fund o this woman nor do i feel like any child should ever call her mother. A mother is a daughters light in her darkest days, i never had that light until i was about 8, but anyway i'll save that for later. Even though my mom didn't deserve to see us, my dad gave her another chance to see us when i was about 7 1/2. At this time we moved away from Pennsylvania because my dad couln't take it anymore. If we stayed there you never know what could of happen, i mean my mom was a drug addict prostitute what ood could of come from that? It might seem like i have hate, don't get it twisted i loathe her with every part of me. But anyway, we moved to ocean city with my dads first wife, and we thought this was a new start, but my dad allowed laurie to come visit, and so she did; little did i know this was the mast time i would ever see her. I remember at 7 years old thinking god should i kiss her i do not want to cach and STD, weird for a 7 year old to think right? but anyway she came to visit us she was there for a total of 5 hours, and left. Yeah, she forgot her crack, damn how do you forget that? That was the last time i saw her, but not the last time i heard from her. Everytime she is locked up and off drugs for short period of time she has the need to call my father begging to speak to us. She believes my father is the reason we don't talk to her know i do not talk to her because she left me, alone. When your a mother you cannot leave just because times get rough, and your addicted to drugs you get your crap together. Sure i think about her and wonder whats shes like, but why have someone in my life who has not been there my whole life. My real mother is ann marie martone-lawson the woman my father meant when we movedto oc. She is the woman who has helped me through every obstacle i have needed to get through. I will never apprecaite anyone the way i appreciate ann marie. I will never love to call someone mom the way i love to call her mom. Sure we hit heads but at the end of the day i still love her with everything, because she actualy made my life into something, and didn't leave me behind when things got rough. She sticks by me when i have an attitude, or when i'm treatig her bad she still loves me, and thats just what i needed. I don't want attention or people feeling bad this blog was a way for me to clar my chest. For the longest time i didn't want people to knw about my real mom, but why should i hide that i did nothing wrong she did. You can look at me different all you ant and i would not give a damn, because my parents now are the ones that gave me options to suceed and are the ones who will continue to help me suceed. My childhood made me want to be the best mom i can be to my children. Sure i go to parties, but i WILL NEVER DO DRUGS. i think they are the stupidest things ever created, hate me i don't care. From this i learned loosing your mother in any form can truly mess your whole life up, and leave you with personal problems. Life is not about being perfect, but it is about striving to come as close to it as possile, for me anyway. I will never be without a job because thats all laurie did was ever sit on her butt, i will never pick u a drug it ruins families, i will never abandon because it could ruin your childs life. When i have a family of my own i will know everything about my child, in a way i'm excited for children to give them what i didn't have. In a weird way i think this was meant to happen with laurie because it brought me ann marie. I have issues of my own believe me that i have to work on, but before you judge me learn my story. Basically no matter how much your life may appear to be messed up you can fix it. Look at is this way, if your at rockbottom there is no where else to go but up.
well my childhood is one of a kind i think, i dont know many people who can say they grew up with three older brothers and one little brother who all were two years a part from each other. Like i said i have my brothers and i am the second youngest out of them all, when we were growing up i was always the one that was most noticed and talked about since i was the one that was "fat", i hate that word, But even though i was the one that was always being talked about it was always Elliot Jeff and Tac that shined in my parents eyes. For some reason Glenn and I were always and still are "The Kids" and i hate it because everything still is put on us. I just also remember being made fun of by them but it was okay since it was all fun and games, but when other kids did it at school it was different. The bad things that happened when i was younger and at school were all because of my weight and how different i was. I guess that is why i am the way I am today, how i always try to talk my self up and give my self complements because no matter what or how i do now i still don't hear them. I already have three older brothers who used to put me down for a lot of things that i did, now i dont see them as much since they all moved out, but when i do i still do not get any positive feed back from them. Espically when i am better than them at something because they do not like it when their "little brother is better than them". But then who does? I know i cant stand to lose to glenn in anything, but i give credit where its due. And even with friends now it happens so its basically all over and where ever i go, it seems like the only person that i can look forward to saying congrats is myself. Everyone likes to be told when they are doing well, but when you never hear it it is a whole different story. I don't want this to be the blueprint for me to design my "true self". I mean yeah I Don't get as many "good job" or "you had a good game" as i want to, but i know that life is not all about what people think and it is not going to make me happy or make me who i want to be. I would like to sit back and give my other people the thumbs up when they do good now because i know when it is my turn to get it, it will come.
My story is something that i really don't like talking about mainly because i dont want other people to feel bad for me. The only people that i tell are people who are close to me and who i trust. Well some people may know that my mother passed away but they dont know why. Well it all started 7 years ago when my mom had problems with her glabladder. I was 12 at this time and i really didnt understand what that was. The doctor told her that she had to get an operation because it would get really bad if she didnt. I guess all my mother thought about was that nothing could possibly go wrong and that everything would be okay. When she operation was over, my dad, sister, and I went to go see her. My dad discovered that they did the operation completely wrong and pretty much made her worse than she already was. I really didnt think about anything because i always thought she would be around until I got older. Well i was wrong. As time went by she kept getting worse and worse. My dad finally decided to take her to Jefferson Hospital. After she left the shore memorial hospital, i never went to go see her. A month went by and all that really happened was that she would get better then she would get worse. She got so bad that they had to put her into a coma(i didnt find that out until a couple months ago). When my dad told me that they had to put her into a coma, everything clicked. My aunts would always tell me to write letters so when she woke up she would see them. But i really didnt understand because i thought she was awake. My dad was going to take me and my sister up to the hospital for her birthday so we could see her. Then my dad told us that she was doing really bad and that he didnt want us to see her like that. Nine days after my sisters birthday my dad didnt come home from the hospital. I couldnt sleep that night because i thought that he got into a car accident. He got home around the time that i was leaving for school. As i was leaving for the bus stop, he ran after me and gave me a big hug. i didnt really think anything of it and just went on with my day. When i got home my dad was there which i thought was werid because he was usually at the hospital. Later i asked my dad if he was going to go to the hospital and he said no. About 30 minutes later my aunts and uncles got to my house. Then my dad told me to go upstairs to his room because he had to talk to us. I started to cry because i said it was going to be bad news. My aunt said everything was going to be okay and took me upstairs. My dad started talking to my sister and I and all i remember saying is "your mom is in heaven" I just started to burst out in tears because i never thought that my mother would die. At least not so early. Since that happened my dad and i become closer together than we were before. Time would go by and i just thought it was a nightmare that i was in. Every single night i would pray at night to my mom and promise her that i would make her proud. My grades went up and i wanted to do my best so my mom would be proud. Everything that i do is to make my mom proud. i know that she is looking over me at all times, so i just want her to smile, even if i dont see it. I love and miss her so much, and i know that whatever i do i will make her happy.
I guess some would say that I was one of those kids with a “crappy” childhood. To be completely honest I can’t disagree. I was forced to grow up at a really young age and I’ve seen things throughout these seventeen years that no person, no child should ever have to witness. I’m not trying to make it seem like my parents are horrible parents or that their all to blame because I know they do what they can and they genuinely do love me, but you can’t teach a person how to be a parent. Human beings are a naturally selfish species and as a parent there is no time for selfishness. In my opinion being a good parent is something that comes from within and sometimes not every human being is capable of providing that nurture that’s required by a child. I don’t think there’s a specific memory that gave me the blueprint for which I designed my “true Self” but rather a superabundance of memories that molded and taught me to be the person I am today. Since I’ve moved out of my mother’s house last year I’ve realized how living on my own has definitely flipped my perspective on a lot of things. I use to be extremely resentful towards my parents and the unfortunate series of events and circumstances that lead to the point were all at today, but not anymore. It takes a lot out of a person emotionally and physically to hate anyone but I’ve learned that it’s easier to hate than to forgive. All my life I’ve focused on the memories and events that at times made my life miserable, it was like I had this constant black cloud following me everyday wherever I went. Obviously at seventeen years old I have more soul searching to do in order to reach that point of enlightenment but one of the most important things that I’ve learned from my past, my parents, my memories, is the ability to just let go. Memories can haunt a person until the day they die, it could overwhelm a person’s mind and body until they reach an extreme depression. Even though I’ve let my past affect my future, I now know that when you fill yourself with regret, depression, or hate you’re only taking a step backwards but when you let go and let yourself forgive those who’ve hurt you, you take that step forward towards a better future. I still have so many things to learn but the fact that I’ve actually hit rock bottom, and when it seemed like the weight of the world on my shoulders would just plummet me six feet underground, something inside of me wouldn’t let myself sink any further into my abyss. I knew that the only place left to go was up, no longer would I be the victim of divorced parents, of neglect, or of abuse. You see my parents have made me who I am today and that’s why I no longer dwell on the past but look towards the future. I don’t hate but love because if it wasn’t for my parents or my past I wouldn’t be the strong girl that I am, the strong woman I see myself becoming. I’ve learned to live to be happy and in the end that’s what and who I truly want to be, happy.
This is a pretty personal blog question. I don’t like talking about my past to anyone really, especially posting it online for random people to read. But I guess I could just give a jist of a particular memory that has “shaped me”. Anyone from Mullica could tell you that I was a really shy and nervous kid when I was young. I was fat and had no self-confidence or self-esteem what so ever throughout end of elementary and beginning of middle school. I never stood out in the crowd or anything like that. But it was around 7th/8th grade when I suddenly lost weight. I went through a period of my life where I suddenly lost about 30 pounds. I got skinny and I started gaining more confidence in myself. I became comfortable with my body and I became more social with lots of other people. I didn’t have a problem talking to others or worried about what I looked like. Losing all that weight has made me happier and more comfortable with myself, which I think has shaped me into the person I am today. I may not seem that outgoing, but you can ask my friends how loud and friendly I can be. It’s all because of that short time period from middle school when I lost all that weight I believe. I am stronger now and I can enjoy life a lot better. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty that it had to take losing weight to be the moment that I became a better person. It’s a bit of a shame to feel that my body image was what made me happy and not what was on the inside. I mean I’m glad it happened, I have no regrets, but it’s a not a shining moment to say that’s when I became my “true self”.
I certainly did learn something though. I learned now, looking back, that it’s not all about how you look to feel confident. It’s always been inside me to feel good about my self and to reach out to others, and I never really realized that until now. If that moment never happened to me, I can’t say I would be who I am now. I’m incredibly happy of who I am now and everything, but I know things would be differently if it wasn’t for that moment of my life. It’s important to me, but sometimes I feel a little ashamed and I learned that this person I am has always been inside me, cooped up and hidden from everyone. But it’s different now, because I’m always confident and optimistic with myself. And that’s the lesson. Confidence. It’s an essential feeling for every person to be happy with their self. No matter what they may look like on the outside, just be comfortable with yourself.
It’s hard to believe that people don’t have a strong relationship with their family because my favorite people in the world are the people in my house. They live with me and have watched me grow up into the person that I am today. When I was a little I had a learning disorder and I suffered through school. There was nothing more that I have then to be able to been on the same level as my class. I remember nights of tears because I just couldn’t read something or I was just so far behind everyone else in the class. The school didn’t know what to do with me because I asked too many questions. I had teachers that believed that there are such things as stupid questions. There is nothing wrong with asking a question when you really don’t understand a concept. I have met teachers that should have never taught little kids and should not be teaching them now. Yes I was put into those small classes with ten kids but it got to the point that my little sister was almost as smart as me. There is nothing worse than settling and not challenging yourself. I know some nights when she could spell all of my spelling words and I only knew four of them. You think growing up I would be really depressed but I wasn’t. I was a pretty happy kid but my anger was out of control. I would go to school for six hours a day and be frustrated with work for the whole time. There was one person that was there every night helping me learn my spelling words and read the required book. This person was my mom and there is no way I would be the same person without her. She would go into the school and tell the teachers what they are doing wrong. This went from the first grade until the end of the fifth grade. I wasn’t on the same level like everyone else but I knew I was catching up by the time I was in the seventh grade. Things became easier and going to school every day became less stressful. Suffering through this really gave me the mind sight of never giving up. No matter what situation I am put in later in life I will always put out my best effort.
Kevin J i have cs4 btw
My childhood was good at times ad also bad. It was mostly good. Like any other child with separated parent there always felt like there is something missing. I remember seeing my birth father walking out the house and mostly out of my life. The reason I say mostly out of my life is because all he gives me is an occasional phone call and a child support check every month. He doesn't do anything else on my life. I remember when I would wait for him to come pick me up. I would wait and wait and wait. He wouldn't show up. My mom told me he wasn't going to come. I remember standing outside like a dumb ass waiting for this man to come. As I grew older I started caring less and less if I saw him. At that young age I learned that you cant trust anybody. He showed me this lesson at a young age. I don't want this memory to be my blueprint. This memory is a bad one for me. This is actually the first time that I am venting and telling people. If u know me I try and hold me emotions in. I learned not to trust nobody. The once that you learn to trust tend to hurt you the most. If have to learn to trust people though. If I don't then i am going to be by myself for the rest of my life. By trying this it will probably open doors and help me be open with my emotions.
The one childhood memory that shaped who I am is my Parents. Because of them I am the nice caring person I am today. From day 1 my parents have been teaching everything about life. They have always been teaching me the right things to do and to always keeop your head up. They have always been supporting of everything I do and everything I want to do. They have also taught me the true meaning of life, which is to have fun and enjoy life while your still here on this earth. My parents are the blue print of my “True Self” Because I am the person I am today because of them. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be the funny crazy Vin I am today. They have shaped me in many different ways. The main thing they taught me is to never give up. They always tell me that you don’t go anywhere if you just stop and its true. Once you start something you should end it, and in the end you will feel a whole lot better about your self and you will learn how much your really capable of. The one that that I have value the most from having my parents is having their love. There’s nothing better then just having someone who loves you. I know no matter how much money I have or how much trouble I get into my parents are always there for me and will help me no matter what.
My parents are still together, and even fight sometimes. I get yelled at for getting bad grades, but only like normal parents do, i always got grounded for doing something wrong. As far as I
m concerned I had a very normal childhood. the blog question is stupid. In my opinion one childhoood memory can not change your life, in fact that is far too deep to think about. Sure, a series of events would most definately shape your life, but not one specific. I read this blog about 2 hours ago and kind of let my mind wonder off thinking about how it could be posible that a distant memory shaped my life. Imposible. Say a memory did shape my life, was it positive or negative? Does that even matter? I am the way I am becuase I made decisions here and there. My dad was always really a nice guy and has very nice manors especially around women and younger kids. I'd like to think i base my life off of that a little. But it's not much of a memory. I like to be nice and jsut make people think twice about saying something mean about me. That is why i hold to door for everyone and say something to anyone who is afraid to say something first. So I can be like my dad, only somehow better. I can't write anymore. I don't like this.
I have been skimming through people’s Blog responses, and I am actually happy to say that I had a very happy childhood. I had loving parents, who are thankfully still together to this day, and a brother who never fought with me and saw me not only as a sister, but as a friend. I really had everything that I could have asked for and I am grateful for that. There was one thing that I remember distinctly as a child which seemed like moving all the time, even when really it was only a couple different houses that I’ve lived in. I was a very friendly, sociable, and giddy child so it was never hard for me to make friends wherever we ended up during our moving journeys. I’ve always mainly stayed in Mullica Township so it was never a dramatic change, usually just a few streets away from the last house. Im going to give a breakdown of my moving history now, bear with me! I was born in Lower Bank and moved when I was 3, moved to Mullica to a place called White Oak Circle and lived there till I was 9, lived at my Grandmom’s house (Galloway) for a few months until we could finalize the new property, moved to 7th Ave (in Mullica) and lived in a trailer for 2-3 years while the house was being built and then moved from that house when I was 14, moved into a rental home (Mullica) for 6 months waiting to finalize everything, moved to 5th Ave (Mullica) into a trailer for 6 months until the house was built, and finally moved into the house 2 years ago. Wow, now that I really sit back and read all of that, it was quite a bit of moving around. Still to this day, me and my dad talk about when it’s the next time for us to move again, obviously joking with a serious note. You’re probably wondering why I’ve been here and there so much and really it simply comes down to making money. My dad is always looking for new ways to make money so when the market is good, we sell high, make a good profit, and build a new house from scratch. I think this really had put a different outlook on things for me because I never feel like I am ever settled. Even after 2 years of being in this house, I still have things in boxes that I just don’t bother to even get out. I always feel like I am ready and could just get up and leave every day of my life and just never look back. Start all over somewhere new and be completely fine with leaving everything behind. I know this is not a good thing because I do this with people also; I may seem connected and attached, when really it is all an act and I have a huge brick wall between me and the world leaving me detached. There is really not one person I can honestly say that I would stay in one place for and its pretty upsetting to me. I want to be able to say in my heart that I’m tired of feeling like running away all the time because I’m just trying to escape my ownself. I need to work on not building my wall so solid and maybe leave some cracks and holes in it so that people can actually have the chance to get a taste of me and make me feel worth being grounded.
I must say that there aren't really any childhood memories that have significantly shaped my life. I think my whole family and close friends influenced and shaped me to be who I am today. Although, now that i think about it there is one memory that was a major building block into shaping me today. When I was 12 years old in seventh grade, my father passed away. It was such a hard thing to go through at that age. For the longest time I couldn't talk about it without my eyes burning and ready to burst into tears. In many ways it has made me a stronger person. I definitely learned to appreciate life more and the people around me. Almost have a different view on life and death. As a society we don't realize how things can change in an instant. Also, i think my family shaped me. I grew up in a big, very tight family. All my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma, grandpa, have ben great role models and help me to go in the right direction. With out them I think I would be a complete different person. I guess I am blessed to have such great people to rely on. I myself hope and want to be a good influence just as my friends and family are. I hope to be the one evyone needs to talk to if they have any problems. I guess that i would like to leave the impression that life goes on. You can make it through anything. Always think positive and don't let any bad memories tear you down. There's light at the end of the tunnel.
Because I am such a strong believer of ‘everything happens for a reason’, I feel as though everything that occurs in our life has a significant meaning and purpose. We might not always understand what the purpose is at the moment that something happens, however eventually overtime, things become clearer. I believe everyone has a plan on where they will end up in life. With the same way that our plan is already mapped out, so are the things that we will experience on the way. Nothing will happen to you with that has no meaning. Everything, negative and positive, is a learning experience and that makes everything positive.
Although when my younger and only sister was born I was just a toddler, that single event altered my life. On January 4, 1993, a beautiful blue eyed baby girl with ringlets of hair was born. My parents decided to name her Kaitlin. Being two years older then her, I already knew how to walk, eat table food and talk. Although these things may be small compared to what I would be capable of when I was older, the point is, I could do a lot more than my newborn sister Kaitlin.
Having a new baby sister meant that I would now have to share my toys, my space, and the attention of my parents. It also meant a lot more than that though. The birth of my sister was an event that shaped all decisions in my life. I was now the role model, the big sister, the one she would look up to. I wanted to do things right and I wanted to do things the best that I could. I wanted to make it seem as if I was capable of anything and everything. As we got older, we both started to find ourselves, our own identities. I realized that Kaitlin was capable of making her own decisions. Seeing us all grown up and being the two very different people that we are never changed my mind of how having a younger sister affects every decision that I make. Having a younger sister shapes my life. No matter how old the both of us get, I never want to disappoint her or have her harmed in any way. I still feel as though it is my job to protect her. My sister is always in the back of my mind.
I believe that this memory could be the blueprint for how I design my “true self”. It impacts the world and those in it who are most important to me, not only my sister. Living my life right and being wise in all decisions could be beneficial to a lot of different people. If everyone lived their life as if they were a good role model, the world would definitely be a better place. A lot of people do not realize they have someone looking up to them. The lesson that I from my memory is that being a better person for yourself will make others better people.
i had an awsome childhood, i lived with both my mother, and father, my sister, and 2 brothers. i was a good kid, never got in trouble,my main focus was to make my parents happy and by doin that i had to go to school and learn, get good grades and stuff like that. my parents had a fight before, i mean i remember them arguin but i dnt recal seeing them ever fight or threaten one another. my parents would argue than make, thats the type of parents i have. well any my 8 th grade year was the best year ever. when i was younger i was such a nervous, shy little kid that really really really didnt want to talk unless its about a video game. i was a feene for the game after school i would run home, do my homework, than show my mom and after that i play the game until i had to go to sleep.
my life started changin my 8 th grade year, i started have more friends and i even recived my first kiss. havin a girl changed my whole life, it made me spend all of my money, now instead of palying the game i would be on the phone all night talkin to girls, i went to a party with my friends and had a great time. i started to realize that i could have been having fun my whole life, my problem was that i couldnt communicate with anyone i just didnt feel like tlkin to no 1 but now iam a changed man. after my 8 th grade year goin to high school i felt as if i was loose and i felt as if i knew every 1 and every 1 knew me.
when i was little i wanted to be everybodys friend i wanted to be cool with everybody, so when i got to high school i was quit and a little nervous. it was hard trynning to be people cool with other people, mind you i was living in new york city in brookly and i went to one of the baddest schools in brooklyn, south shore, and some people was ignorant. ever since i was little i was never a punk. i knew alot of people so i really didnt get into that many fights.
but anyway, iam still quiet and nervous but somtimes i can overcome it and try and act cool. i get nervous alot but if iam around all my friends and if just them iam goin to act a fool but if its people i dnt really kno i become very nevrous
When thinking back to my childhood I pretty much revolve it around my mom. Every year we would go on vacations, have girl days, and I just loved being with my mom constantly 24/7. But, this wasn’t always possible. When I was younger my mom had to work two jobs because my dad only worked in warm weather months. This then caused us to lose our house when I was five years old. We rented from my aunt for a little while, but I’m not sure what happened but we couldn’t stay there anymore. So by then it was summer, and all summer we lived in a camper at this camp ground close by. I was five, so this was like heaven for me. Anyway, because we lost our house, my mom was forced to get that second job. She worked during the day, and then at night worked in the hospital as an operator. And every night, I cried. I’m not too sure why I cried, but every time my mom went to work, or on her days off went out with her friends at night, I cried hysterically until I went to sleep. By the end of summer, we ended up buying a town house back in Mays Landing, but I still continued to cry. This seriously lasted until like 6th grade I think. I never once slept at friends houses. I thought about it, and the possible reasons I came up with were that I was not close with my dad whatsoever. Actually, I wasn’t close with my three brothers either. They were all older then me by at least 7 years and up. All they did was tell me what to do, ignore me, or bully me. (But thats what all brothers do) I guess when my mom was at work I felt kind of alone. I was really close with nanny who visited often, but she would go out with my mom on some nights too. So, basically I felt lonely whenever they weren’t there. When I reached about high school, I started never coming home. I mean, last summer I made it three weeks without sleeping home. That sounds so bad, but I stopped by every two or three days to get money and clothes, but I don’t like being home anymore. I feel like some people may think my parents don’t care about me or something because I’m allowed out for such long periods of time, but the only reason my mom let’s me stay out is because she knows I’ll be happy. I’m not saying I go out and party every night of my life or something. I just sleep at my friend Brielle’s house every night. Her parents use to ask my why I wasn’t sleeping if I said I wasn’t going home. Anyway, I think the major reason I never go home is because home doesn’t remind me of a happy place. Whenever I’m here, I just feel lonely still. My mom doesn’t work two jobs anymore, but she does work a lot. And when she’s not there, it’s just lonely. But even when she is home, I still would rather be out with my friends doing anything. I think since my friends actually show an interest in being with me that I choose them over my family often. I’m not saying my family doesn’t like being with me, cause they do, but I just grew accustomed to thinking that being home means being alone. I think the memory of spending nights alone is a blue print in which how I design my life because my life revolves around being around my friends. I feel like every teenager might feel this way, but I don’t know anyone else that sleeps out three weeks strait. And I just feel like I constantly worry about being alone. I always think about next year how my friends are all leaving me for college and that I’m nervous I’m going to feel ever more lonely then I do now. Although this is how I feel, I don’t want this to be the blue print of my life. I feel all I do is rely on other people for happiness. I’m never happy by myself and I need to work on that. A lesson that I would like to impart from this is to first figure out how to be happy on my own, and I think I’ll become a better person to everyone else since I won’t be relying on other people for everything. And also, if I have a family of my own one day, I want us to all be completely close. I would want my kids to want to be home, and not think of their home as lonely. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a terrible family or something. I do love them, and I do spend time with them, but I just don’t like being at my house. I like going out with them, but I just can’t stand being home.
I personally don't believe that an entire personality can be believed by just one event? I believe it has to be a collection; a grouping of thoughts and memories that have a drastic impact on your morals. As with the above tales, it is more the ideas that follow that form the "blueprints" of our identity. By this I simply mean that there is a build-up of events that form us. The environment has a direct influence on us and shapes us in numerous ways.
I'd have to say that my past has utterly shattered my positivity. Now by this I don't mean that I've become this horrid monster that will eat off the head of all who approach me -- Nay, I mean that just thinking back completely drains my confidence and will. The most outstanding memories I can recall turn out to be the most traumatic, and as such don't do much to lighten the soul. Numerous complications have risen from my lack of confidence; even necessary tasks like asking for a piece of paper from another student become a major issue. I blame this problem completely on the past: allow me to explain..
An example; my closest friend died with my entrance into high school. This friend was by no means your average joe-- or a Joe at all really, for he was my lifelong companion. My dog, whom I actually thought he looked more like a polar bear, Mickey had been with me since age four. He moved to a new house with me, watched the divorce and final moments of my parents with me, and even beheld the departure of my formerly trusted friend with me. That dog; I felt he actually helped me become a bit stronger than my parents did. Mickey had my complete trust; certainly more than anyone else back in those days. However, all good things must come to an end.
Mickey developed cancer.. and I was given the 'honor' of watching his last few days. These moments broke me inside and out and the ending I won't even bother to describe in order to spare myself. From that moment I would be the same; in truth I don't think its helped much either. Regardless of any desire both he and I would of had, I often find myself withdrawn without that guiding hand-- or paw in that case. It's made me very independent, almost to the point that asking for help isn't an option; even for something simple that wouldn't burden another person at all.
These events change everything; they can form you as a person for years to come. Wither this be for good or bad depends on both the event and the person, of this I have no doubts. However I question our ability to escape; is there no hope for those of us who have nothing but sorrow to derive ourselves from. By this I don't mean myself in the slightest, but to those truly unfortunate people who've lost countless-- well, everything would be a good way to put it. What do they have? Will they truly fall merely because of a rotten path?
I leave with this--
"The memories mold you, but can you mold the memories?"
[ That's.. a pretty lame ending, but whatever.. I like the quote~. ]
My childhood for the most part was great. The the event that shaped me the most though was a very bad one. When I was six years old I saw a two young men get into an argument and then one shot the other.I still to this day do not know who the two were, but I will never forget what happened. I would not take this memory back for any reason other than the two mens sake. If anyone knows me they know me that violence is not a thing that I am big on. I have tried to use that as an example of what not to be.Since I was to young to really understand what happened I paid it very little mind because people told me that that the person was ok. At around age ten though the thought of how lucky he was to live came to mind. Thanks to that I take everyday for alot less granted,although I don't live it like it's my last. Life is precious and anything no matter how unexpected can happen and that's what I learned from this memory. I would of rather not seen this of course even though it was a safe distance away, there is no telling how I might of turned out without having this experience. Since I am pretty happy with how I am turning out this was a memory that I will never forget.
I know your probably wondering why the hell im doing the blog a day late ... but i'll tell you that later.
But anyway there has actually been alot of things that shapes the way i am today. I had a pretty rough childhood like many other people. My mom was addicted to drugs and i lived at almost all of my relatives homes while my mom was in & out of jail. This affected me alot because i would only be with my mom for a month and she would get locked up for a drug charge, and then when i was leaving at a relatives house, they either abused me, and treated me like shit. Unfortunantly, this became normal to me, and the abuse i endured from my uncle everyday for four years became a routine. Seeing all this helped me in the long run, because i saw how evil people could be so i knew how NOT to act. I believe that all the challenges i went threw will help someone else. Because i knew when i was going through it i thought i was doing something wrong & i was the only one in the entire world going through it but in reality theres millions of people going through abuse everyday.
These experiences that people go through can either be good or bad, it could be taken in as something positive or negative, and luckily i took all of this as a positive experience. Despite the fact that knoe it is hard for me to trust people, i treat others the way i want to be treated, and i try and help others that are probably going through the same thing i went through.
okay well my older brother passed before i was born and knowing that i wasnt suppose to be a only child makes me think all the time how different my life would be with him in it. and that maybe i wouldnt be so shy or have some of my other flaws that i dislike about myself, but thats besides the point. i just think that memory effects me alot. but the memory that i think would shape how i am today are mainly bad memories most that i dont want to share on here, i dont remember alot from my childhood, but i do remember being put down alot, mostly by family. the only person in my family that i can honestly say has never put me down is my dad. sure his alcohol abuse has effected me alot, but he NEVER did or said anything to hurt me.this is why i look up to my dad and try to be so much like him, without the alcohol part of course. my mom has a story so i try not to hold anything she said or did against her. once she starts yelling she dosnt stop though, im pretty sure that is why today i block alot of things out even when i dont want to , because i learned to just block people out , things that i didnt want to hear i wouldnt. i think that these memories have shapped me in not such a good way. this could be the reason why i never think i have anything good or right to say and am so shy all the time. probally why i cant really be mean to people. i dont want to blame anything on anyone though, that is just how i took the words its not anyone elses fault but my own. i bring my brother up again just thinking what if he was there, he wouldnt of let anyone talk to me like that. but everything does happen for a reason. i do not want this memory to be the blueprint to how i design my true self because i would be planning my life based on other people and my life is not going to be based on anyone but myself. i cant change my past so i will change my future. i learned that the reason people put other people down is because something most likely happend to them as a child and didnt like it. it just gets passed down from each generation. i will be the one that dosnt pass it down. but i learned recently that i am a strong person and what i have to say does matter. someone once told me that there are some memories that wont ever go, but there is a reason they wont leave, take every one as a lesson learned, pick up things along the way and learn from everything you do. "take the only thing positive out of a negative situation".-bunje
Wow bunj talk about a touchy subject.
To be honest I don’t remember much about my early childhood, it all seems to be one big blur. Everything before the age of 6 is hard for me to remember. However there is one perfectly clear memory that I can say truly has shaped me into the person I am today. This memory, unfortunately, has had a negative impact on my life and influenced me in a way I wish it hadn’t.
I was 5 years old and living in Alaska at the time my father passed away. Its sad that one of the earliest memories I have is one so depressing but nevertheless it is. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. In fact I hold every memory of my father as close to me as I can since I have so few of them. I wear his cross around my neck every day as a way to hold on to the memories I do have.
This major childhood event influenced me in many different ways, one of which I feel has effected my life a great deal more than the others, and unfortunately it was not for the best. I have learned that there is no greater pain than losing something or someone you love. And having experienced this at such a young age I feel like it has set the tone for my whole life. Now that I know this pain, I also fear it. One of my biggest fears is to lose someone or something I love. I feel like this fear prevents me from getting too attached to anything or any one person, for the fear of possibly growing to love it/her/him and then losing it/her/him. I have noticed that this fear has prevented me from fully experiencing what life has to offer and of course I don’t want this memory to define who I am but this is one obstacle in my life that I have not figured out how to overcome.
This isn’t the first time I have thought about this topic, and it is by far not the last time I ponder over this abysmal subject. This will forever be one of the things I think about every day of my life and possibly never find the answer to.
Well I think that there is no single memory that can be linked to my childhood but instead more like a multitude of different experiences that all have the same kind of feel to them. They all consist of my dad and working in the yard. It never fails that every summer that I can remember has had me working with me dad occurring. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing but there have been bad things that usually occur during this summer working session. I don’t think that I really want to disclose what exactly my dad would say during his little out bursts because most of them are very inappropriate. That’s another thing that happened during my childhood. My dad would never treat me as a child which meant that I was not supposed to act like a child. All of these things can be seen as being horrible but I like to take everything and turn it positive. My dad would yell at me for everything that I would do when I was working and whenever I would thing that I was a tough guy or something he would always try to pound on me to the point where I would crack. I think that these experiences have made me into the person who I am today which is a good thing. Because he would never let me act like a kid I matured a lot faster that many other people that I know. I know full grown adults who are less mature than me. Then he would also never allow me to get a full head and that keeps me modest to at least a degree but I am still human so. I just wish that everyone else got this when they were kids because it really put the world into prospective for me. Now that I’m older my dad tells me all about the things that he does like lawsuits and other things so that way I don’t have to pay other people to do things that I know how to do. This is how I plan on raising my kids because of the positive impact that it has had on me. Sure I may not be the smartest kid or the most athletically gifted but I will work the hardest to get what I want in life. There is nothing that can or will stop me from getting over the obstacles in my life. This is something that more of the world needs to have. Not a drive but more like respect and a belief in oneself. People have to think that they can do something and there is no way that they won’t do it.
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